Things I Learned While Marathoning the Subspecies Series

About a month ago, a good friend showed me a video of Obscurus Lupa reviewing the extremely terrifying movie, “Heidi 4 Paws.” Amused by her reviewing style, I decided to check out the rest of her videos. I have never been the same.

Enter Subspecies, a 4 part vampire epic featuring my new all-time favorite vampire, Radu. He’s pouty. He still calls his crazy hag mother “Mommy.” He can snap off the tips of his fingers and… create little dudes? That are what the series is named after… but only show up in a few scenes over the course of the series…? What?


So tonight I decided, “Hey, why not?” and watched the entire series of movies, including the awful spinoff, “Vampire Journals.” Here are a few things that I learned while watching them. Be warned, there are spoilers up ahead.

  • I have never wanted to make a fan music video more than when I realized that Radu had killed off his entire family. I really want to make a video of him killing them set to Gillian Welch’s Orphan Girl. Its so wrong, yet so right.
  • The magical bloodstone that contains the blood of saints is surely more powerful than previously anticipated. It manages to change shape in every movie!
  • Michelle has magic hair. It was boyishly short in the first movie and then when the second one starts (right where the first ends, I might add) its grown past her shoulders. Oooooh magic.
  • You’re never too old to call your mother “Mommy.” Radu’s Mommy is apparently so old that Death looked at her and went “Hrmm, science experiment.” Yikes.
  • But Mooooooommy I wanna drink from the bloodstooooooooone.I think there was a boob quota for each movie, with that quota going up each time.There were a lot of boobs. I’d say “Hey, what about equality,” but let’s be real, there’s not one dude in this series that I’d wanna see minus clothing.
  • Pretty sure Vampire Journals was just trying to ride the wave of Interview with the Vampire. It was nothing but moping and inner monologuing. It was pretty damn heinous. Even by bad vampire movie standards.
  • And that’s also a good chunk of why I didn’t enjoy the fourth movie as much as the first three. The characters from Vampire Journals are supposedly descended from Radu, and thus to keep it canon, they shuffled them into the 4th movie. The movie wasn’t that great to begin with, but that kind of took more of the fun out of it.
  • Crazy old hag ladies have magic knives that fly out of your hand and land perfectly in the middle of people’s heads.
  • Radu is the bestest forever and ever. His silly walks, ever changing face makeup, his devotion to his crazy scary old mother. Not to mention his deaths. Yes, deaths. They think they kill him in every movie, but ooooh no. Beheading, beheading AND staking, getting caught on fire due to sunlight, then falling off the castle onto the spiky branches of a tree, one of which pops through his eye socket? Nope, nothing can keep this honey badger down. Honey badger!Radu don’t give a shit!

~ by Meagan Rhoads on June 11, 2012.

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